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Summer loving?

July 30, 2010

Summer is dragging onwards. I used to enjoy the summer holidays at school, mostly because, as arrogant as it sounds, I found school too easy. I went to a grammar school, I live in one of the areas where secondary education is still tiered, therefore the work set was supposed to be more challenging than perhaps you would find at a comprehensive. I did not always find this the case and was bored a lot of the time, resulting in extended periods where I would avoid going to school , by nurturing a talent for psychosomatic headaches I could usually persuade my mother to let me stay at home once or twice a  fortnight.  I think I preferred to be bored at home on my own terms rather than the monotony of schoolwork I didn’t want to be doing in the first place.  So the six or so weeks of summer were always a relief.

However when the summers began to get longer, as study leave and exam periods became the norm in sixth form, I started to feel that it was time that could be better spent. This feeling never fully took hold though, as for the past two summers I had someone to keep me (and my mind) occupied. This year, with the summer break from education reaching new lengths, that person doesn’t play such a big part in my life. As a result that uneasy feeling has developed and I am left pondering my own futility. For various reasons I do not have a job, nor do I volunteer or anything like that, so the majority of my time is spent at home doing nothing much. The most productive thing I did yesterday was paint my nails blue and lilac leopard print (although they do look preettty ). I do have friends  who I see regularly and I have some plans for the rest of the summer but I’m still left with the feeling I should be doing something more.   Over the last year my ability to concentrate has decreased and I’ve found myself unable to read for pleasure the way I used to, but  have managed to reclaim that so am working my way through a list of books. I used to be much more into music than I am now, searching out new acts and downloading new material as soon as I possibly could. That waned when I got a boyfriend, possibly because we did not have the same taste in music so it got pushed aside in favour of things we could share. Now we’re no longer together I regret not holding onto that passion, but am trying to recapture it. These may not be wholly worthwhile pursuits, but finishing a book or finding a new band feels like a small achievement. I will shortly be spending two weeks at a work placement, so although I will not be earning any money, I will hopefully be making myself more employable and maybe boosting my confidence so a proper job won’t seem as daunting.

I feel like for the last year of my life, if not longer, I’ve been too passive and let my life follow a route I didn’t necessarily want it to, things could have been different if I took control and I would be happier now as a result. I’m now searching for a direction and trying to decide what I want from life. I need summer to hurry up so I can be back in Southampton and try to make a fresh start for my second year.

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